Another big reminder as to why i stay anonymous. As to why, if we met at a party, i aint going to tell you the truth about my employment. Not only does the South Australian law make me a criminal, sex negative religion and cultures make me immoral, but now, feminists and do gooders make me a victim.
There are some who would like to have ME believe that i am not actually choosing to do sex work. That i am not able to give meaningful consent, that all my clients are raping me. No matter how i protest and beg to be believed and listened to, my experiences are denied, twisted and used against me and my work. Men become the enemy, my clients who are mostly men, are paying to rape me, and i am too damaged to understand this.
In an attempt to try to challenge this steriotype of men as my abusers and me as a victim, i posted a story about one of my clients who had a disability. Often my work with clients who have a disability is understood as a community service, and it is in this context that the letters to the editor change and we are offered respect for the work that we do. But not this time. Now obviously, i am raping my client. It seems impossible for sex work to happen without someone raping someone else. It seems impossible to believe that meaningful consent is possible when it comes to sex, or money, or both combined.
I should have known better than to think i could alter people’s strongly held believe systems that sex is bad mmkay. So im not sure why i am bothering to write this now, but i need to get it off my chest, so please, indulge me.
These people believe that there is no way i am able to give real consent to do sex work due to outside structures. So since i live and have always lived in a patriarchal world, it is impossible for me to have any real choice about participating or promoting this system, or i am too stupid to have any critical analysis and so cannot see my actions for what they are. Or some bullshit.
Or that because i do it for economical reasons, that isn’t really a choice, because i wouldnt do it if it werent for the money. And even if I say i have other choices about how to make money, but i choose sex work for the extra money, for the flexibility and autonomy, they say, its not real choice because there isnt enough choices for me that are high paying or flexible, and if there was maybe i wouldnt do sex work. I call this crystal ball thinking… and i dont understand the point? Yeh if I won the lottery maybe I’d spend my time blogging and writing and bringing up happy healthy children and walking my dog near the ocean, instead of going to work. But, um, just because that’s not in my list of possible choices right now, doesn’t make my current decisions or my consent to sex any less valid and meaningful!
And now my clients who i can clearly demonstrate are not abusing me, are being abused by me! So now women and people with disabilities and people who havent won the lottery are not able to consent.
So it makes me wonder, what in the eyes of the anti sex brigade, what IS the magical formula for meaningful consent to sex? What are the required characteristics? Im guessing, it can never include a paid transaction.
Let me be clear. I consent. My consent is as meaningful as your consent to have sex with anyone ever. I am not the only one who’s decisions and choices are influenced by the society i live in. All of our decisions are effected by the context of our world. Obviously. My choices are not less valid than yours just because i choose to get paid for sex and you dont.
You are right, I am not independently wealthy, and I am a women in a man’s world. But I still have the ability to say yes, and mean it. And just because I believe in my right to say yes does NOT mean I don’t still demand the right to say no! Two words yes and no, watch me use them! That’s right, I am woman, hear me roar!
And my clients consent. Meaningful, informed, considered, purposeful, premeditated and continuous consent. Even those clients who have a disability. They do not loose their ability to consent just because they have a disability. There maybe extra considerations to take into account, but they are still able to consent to sex. They still have the RIGHT to consent to sex. They still have the right to make decisions about their body! (Although sadly not a right that is always afforded to many patholigised, institutionalised or marginalised.)
Not only do both my client and I consent to sex, but i believe that the sex i have in my sex work service is the MOST consensual sex i have ever had. It is so heavily negotiated with explicit boundaries discussed upfront in minute detail.
I do not just find myself falling into bed with my clients after a few drinks or a few dates when one of us guesses the time is right. We do not just ‘go with the flow’ with nothing spoken. I do not dutifully agree to my husband climbing on top of me and having his fun for no other reason that its the expectation. No.
In my service both I, and my client have discussed, negotiated and consented to:
1. Where and when we will have sex
2. How long the sex will go for
3. How much money it will cost either of us
4. What sort of protection is used
5. What either of us is not comfortable or prepared to do during sex
I do not think i have discussed sex and my expectations of sex, and my boundaries and needs from sex so openly with any potential sexual partner in my personal life.
Yet somehow, people are way more comfortable with me picking up in the pub and falling into bed that night with no discussion.
Or marrying some dude that just does missionary and finishes in 5 minutes once a week.
That is meaningful consent, apparently, but money = rape.