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I have three different mobile phones for the different lives i lead. And never the twain shall meet! The ring tone on my sex work booking phone sends me insane. I hear it in my sleep, literally (cos i forget to turn it off before i fall asleep). It’s like my cue to groan, or swear, or in the case of the 3am call – shove it under the pillow to just make it stop.

Don’t get me wrong, i like my job, i want the bookings, but i HATE the phone calls. Depending on where i advertise i could get up to 100 phone calls in a day, and depending on my luck, or my phone manner, or the cycle of the moon or something, 100 phone calls could equate anywhere between none and 10 bookings in a day. Although i havent done 10 bookings in one day since i was 26. Because i’m lazy in my old age. And cos the phone calls drive me crazy, i cant contain my sarcasm.

Try doing this 100 times a day and still having energy for the ones who actually show up for a paying booking:

me: (sickly sweet voice) hello…….

them: i saw your add in the paper, can you tell me some more?

me: (takes deep breath ready for boring standard rehearsed monologue) sure, im offering PASSIONATE and RAUNCHY  full service……bla bla bla bla *insert spiel covering prices, a big sell about how attractive i am playing up my most sellable qualities and not mentioning the rest, giving my location and availability* i have recited the spiel word for word again and again, so its hard work to make it sound upbeat and perky, like it’s the first time ive ever considered how big my boobs are or that my apartment is discreet.

them: do ya do fantasies?

me: i sure do, what were you thinking off?

them: uuummmm i dunno, what do you do?

(I hate this, and they all say it. When i don’t need the money so much i get quite annoyed with them and say something like- “hunny its your fantasy, why don’t you tell me what you want and then we can negotiate” and when they say “ahhh well, um, what fantasies do you like doin?” i reply “my fantasy is for you to come and give me your money, plus a large tip, then pretend to get an urgent call and leave immediately!” stupid questions!)

but today i need the job so i reply-

me: well my service starts with a very sensual massage and goes from there, the service is very passionate and raunchy and includes mutual oral, toys and dress ups. (some sex workers charge extra for this, but i am really bad at ‘upselling’ so i keep my standard price high to cover these ‘extra’ services)

them: ok, um anything you don’t do? (again, stupid bloody question, of course – there’s lots i don’t do… kids, animals, snuff bookings, i could be here all day listing all things i don’t do… )

but i know exactly what they are really asking me..

me: no, sorry i don’t do greek (anal) and all my services are protected (condoms)

them: oh ok. what time are you open? (am i open? i presume he means my legs..??)

me: im available most days and evenings, by appointment with a minimum of one hours notice.

them: ok, can i make a booking for tonight?

me: sure, whats your phone number?

them: beep beep beep beep (I think sometimes they think making a booking is just a polite way to end the conversation!)

and so i answered the phone to this script 42 times today so far and scored two jobs..